


LYRIC PROMPTS: Just a puppet on a lonely string, who would ever want to be king?

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Series: A collection of word/lyric phan prompts [12]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, TW Suicide mention, phanfic, tw depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:12:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5948496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of my series of drabbles based on word/lyric prompts:</p><p>“This is the story of what happened to Dan and Phil: this is the story of how they fell apart in an attempt to give more and more to the rabid vampires who would always ask for more. It’s a lesson on wishing more than one can give, to want more than it’s possible to give. It’s a story of how they were once “kings of the internet”, until their whole lives were taken over by their people, who would manage not only their fame and success as they well pleased, but also their entire lives. It’s about manipulation and it’s ugly. You were never promised anything beautiful to come out of it, but it may as well happen.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	LYRIC PROMPTS: Just a puppet on a lonely string, who would ever want to be king?

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my tumblr blog as a part of the lyric/word prompt challenge. Hope you like it!
> 
> A/N: I LOVE viva la vida! *__* Great prompt! I only got two lines in the fic, which inspired the entire concept ^~ Enjoy! (TW: an allusion to the possibility of suicide, nothing too triggering. Also TW depression!)

They were fine before it all came along: fame, management, success. Don’t get it wrong: they _were_ grateful for every single thing achieved, but it turned out that being only themselves ended up being insufficient. In order to be great, they were told, Dan and Phil would have to let go of some of their privacy. More specifically: allowing people to only ship it wasn’t enough anymore, they had to _actually_ show the audience that they were together or, as the trending hashtag would later say, that “Phan is real”.

So they did it, under the promise that it was all they had to do. They had to be _honest_ with their audience, whatever that meant. Perhaps it was more than they were comfortable with even, but the management said so. They insisted it was _the only way_ , really. All Dan and Phil had to do was give a little more of themselves, just a tiny bit, enough to keep the audience engaged.

You know how it goes on the entertainment industry: you give them a drop of blood and soon there’s a vampire sucking your neck and taking all you have to offer and some more…. or something… OK, that may not be the best metaphor, I mean.. You get the idea, right?

This is the story of what happened to Dan and Phil: this is the story of how they fell apart in an attempt to give more and more to the rabid vampires who would always ask for more. It’s a lesson on wishing more than one can give, to want more than it’s possible to give. It’s a story of how they were once “kings of the internet”, until their whole lives were taken over by their _people_ , who would manage not only their fame and success as they well pleased, but also their entire lives. It’s about manipulation and it’s ugly. You were never promised anything beautiful to come out of it, but it may as well happen. Something bigger than love, uglier, more destructive: it’s about stripping away layers of privacy until you lose what’s most dear by sheer greed. It’s also about learning to let it all go so you can achieve happiness on your own terms.

 

_“Just a puppet on a lonely string_

_Oh, who would ever want to be king?”_

Their love was unspoken and yet it was all there. The admiration that shone in their eyes as they made eye contact on a video, that feeling the audience got whenever they smiled at each other that there was _something_ there they couldn’t quite touch. They figured the secrecy, besides the obvious advantage of allowing them to have something of their own – their own safe haven away from the excessive exposure of the internet life, – was something fun that kept them guessing and entertained. It kept the gifsets coming, the frankly hilarious theories and headcanons that Dan and Phil would read aloud to each other and laugh about, sometimes incredulously and sometimes genunely surprised by the accuracy.

For one who knew where and how to look, it was obvious that Dan and Phil were more than friends. Yet there was still the shadow of a doubt, enough to keep everyone on their toes. They bounced off of each other’s energy; the chemistry amazed everyone that got in contact with them. They had that glow about them, like they touched the stars and it left a little trail behind, right under their skin. They were the dream team and it made them grow more and more in the public eye, too fast for comfort. Their dreams were modest and they never aimed for much, but the truth is it was hard to hide out in their rooms with an audience as big as the one they had, and as passionate as it was.

It kept them happy to have that little space all to themselves. They didn’t mind not doing public PDA and editing out parts of videos that were too obvious: it became natural after a while, something that was as much a part of Dan and Phil as every other iconic thing. When they were alone in the comfort of their own flat, they had all the time in the world to hold each other’s hand and lie together in bed, entangled on each other in contentment. It was safe and it was all they knew and what they agreed on all these years ago, mostly out of fear. They weren’t afraid anymore: they were just comfortable the way they were. It felt nice to have this one thing which would never belong to the fans.

Until it was all torn apart.

There was a meeting with their new management. They convinced the guys that being honest about their relationship would be the best course of action at the moment. They could be marketed as one of YouTube’s most powerful couples, and the announcement itself would definitely break the internet. Greedy, they talked about how much it would improve their channels and their numbers, creating new opportunities, and how they could get more involved in panels about sexuality and other issues if they were open and honest.

Both of the boys were wary of the proposition. While it seemed like there were positive sides, they were not inclined to give up their last sliver of privacy. They liked things the way they were and they didn’t see why it would be a good thing to change now, after all these years. They firmly refused the offer and that was when all hell broke loose.

The thing is, everyone blames the president for everything that goes wrong in the country, without thinking about the whole structure behind him: the congress and everyone else making _the actual decisions._ When faced with an artist, people do not realize how much manipulation there is behind the scenes. How much of that artist is actually their own expression and how much of them is the creation of the management, a sick Frankenstein of all the things the audience wants to see? And, on their case, it was easy to see what their audience was claiming for, screaming over every social media outlet available: they wanted Phan. Soon enough, Dan and Phil’s refusal would be overruled. Soon enough, the puppets of the management would be dancing to the tune they put on, perfectly.

They came out. They talked about their relationship, despite the fact that a warning of _WRONG WRONG WRONG_ still rang inside their heads all the while. They smiled through it all: they made it endearing, made it a Dan and Phil thing, as it always was. The audience was so happy to see them together and, at first, it was a relief to be able to show that side of themselves with no editing necessary. There was still an unsettling feeling on their stomachs, though, sitting there like an undigested rock.

They soon figured out that being public wasn’t enough: they had to play it up for the views. They had to be people they were not, they had to pretend for the sake of the audience. It had to be bigger, a spectacle: they had to always be holding hands and every single panel they attended became an opportunity to make them kiss in front of thousands of people, no matter what they actually felt like doing so. They had to show it: they had to be the couple people wanted them to be, envied by many.

It created a clear separation: there were Dan and Phil, the humans, who loved each other and had a relationship, and then there was PHAN: this mythical entity that followed them around, growing bigger and stronger, quickly overshadowing their own channels and lives. Bigger than they ever were. They weren’t people anymore: they were the cute YouTube gay couple: they _were_ “phan” and nothing else. Everyone just wanted to pry into their personal lives, more and more, until there was nothing else to give.

Until the day Phil finally snapped and yelled at Dan that he couldn’t do it anymore. Until Dan had to beg on his knees, crying and saying it wasn’t his fault, _it wasn’t!_ It wasn’t their fault at all, they played no part on any of it, _why was Phil punishing him?_ Just puppets, manipulated by something much bigger than they could ever be. Just the fangirls’ fantasies come to life, being controlled by distorted idealized fanfiction version of themselves, hurtful and untrue.

When Phil grabbed his things and left, in a fit of tears, and Dan was left on the carpet, losing his will to ever get up after Phil’s sweet goodbye kiss amidst the tears, still tender and filled with love just like before this whole mess started, he just wished he could erase everything. He wish they had never filmed their first video together, that Phil is not on fire had never left the paper they scrawled the questions on. He wished he was a miserable lawyer instead, as long as he could have Phil. As long as everything wasn’t destroyed. He never wished for fame or any of the things that happened and he knew that getting it would have a price someday. If the price was losing Phil, he was sure he didn’t want any of it! _Who would ever want to be king at such a high price, anyway?_

So Dan just stopped: he let go of everything. He stopped his videos, he didn’t answer his phone anymore. He stopped trying at all, because none of it mattered. He just wanted Phil to pick up the phone and come back to him, come back to Daniel James Howell and Philip Michael Lester. Not the internet personalities, not the famous british couple: just the two boys who fell in love all those years ago and who they had to let go of to become who they were now.

He still didn’t know what prompted Phil to come back after all: probably one of his friends called him to talk about how he never left the house, how he was barely eating and would just cry for hours and hours, without saying a word, sometimes for days. It went on for way too long and maybe someone felt sorry for his thinning frame and weak disposition. He was pretty sure his depression from teenage years had come back full force, because, for the life of him, he could never imagine himself ever getting out of that couch again if he wasn’t going to see him again.

Phil did come back: looking a little frayed around the edges, thinner and shaky. He walked into their old apartment and glanced at the form slumped in the sofa that used to be there, eyes shining with tears as he hugged Dan to his chest and cried like a baby, holding on to him. Despite the emptiness inside, Dan heard himself hiccupping in tears as well, holding on to Phil for dear life, feeling his own body being rocked back and forth. He couldn’t make out much of Phil’s whispers in his ears, but one message was loud and clear:

“I love you. You’ll be okay, I’ll get you out of this, Dan, I promise… We’ll be okay”

And they did get over it on their own. No press coverage, nothing: Dan’s depression wasn’t easy to overcome, as mental illnesses often are. But Phil was there for him, afraid to ever let him go and find him in that state again. He still had the image in his head, how thin and frail the boy looked. He knew that if he hadn’t came back, Dan would probably not have made it this time. He found the bottle of pills on the kitchen sink and all the razors on their cabinet. It was easy enough to guess what his intention truly was.

How did they manage to do it all on their own, you ask? Well, they faded out of existence of the internet world. They let go of “Phan” and “Dan and Phil” or whatever else their management thought they should do (well, old management anyway). They let go of it entirely, just so they could have each other. None of it mattered anymore if it came at such a high price. They could find other careers and, sure, the fans would miss them, and that was perhaps the most hurtful fact, but there was no way they could keep going like that. It was their only choice after all: they choose to have their own voices.

They resigned from their place as “kings” of the internet. They renounced the status of Phan as the YouTube couple and decided to live their own lives away from all that insanity. They set themselves free from the strings of their management, the fame or whatever else. No public image was worth what they were both about to lose if they didn’t leave it all in the past.

In their own house, very far away from the madness of London and all the celebrity life they lead before, Dan and Phil held each other as their dog ran around their shared house, where they were the cute unknown gay couple and were allowed to kiss without making a spectacle out of every second of their lives. And sure, they didn’t have fame or 8 million subscribers combined anymore, but they had all they needed. It was, after all, what life was all about: love.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy ending, at least ahaha. Not my best, but it did make me think about lots of things and I hope it makes some people think before accusing them of being liars for not coming out. Do you like it? Let me know!


End file.
